


Of Thrones and Misbehaving

by Aida



Series: Of Burglars and Warriors [2]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Balin's sick and tired of his brother's shit, Bottom Dwalin, Implied Sexual Content, Implied throne sex, M/M, Thorin's a little loopy, Top Bilbo, at least implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-02-21
Packaged: 2018-01-13 07:42:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1218070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aida/pseuds/Aida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Balin has stumbled upon his brother and Bilbo in a compromising situation, and tries to scold them. Bilbo's mortified, Dwalin couldn't care less, and Thorin's trying not to laugh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Thrones and Misbehaving

**Author's Note:**

> A short, silly fic. Because throne sex is a popular thing, and while I can't write smut very well, I can write stupid stuff like this.

Balin had done plenty of scolding in his life, usually so that Dwalin would learn what he had done wrong before facing their father. Especially when his young brother began to explore his more carnal nature. Balin did not have enough parts on his body to count all the times he had accidentally walked in on his brother in some sort of compromising position. He had hoped that it wouldn’t happen ever again, seeing as Dwalin was older, wiser, and finally had someone he was sure he was going to spend the rest of his life with. Someone Balin approved of wholeheartedly, and who would tamper down his brother’s inner exhibitionist. 

Apparently, he was wrong.

He stared Dwalin and Bilbo down, now, as they had cobbled together bits of their clothes they could find and drapery to replace what they couldn’t. His brother was as calm as ever, used to being in such hot waters, while Bilbo was turning as red as the couch they were sitting on was (at least, it was once upon a time). Thorin was there, sitting in a chair to spare extra strain on the injuries he gained from the battle, glaring at them as best he could whilst covering his mouth. Clearly, he was trying not to laugh.

Balin had to play the father, it seemed, like he always did. Still, he sighed in exasperation as he thought of the best way to reprimand his brother.

“Really, Dwalin?” He chided, seeing Bilbo squirm a little from the corner of his eye.

Dwalin, of course, just raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“The _throne room_?” 

Bilbo seemed to whimper as his brother smirked. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” He replied. “No one was around. And we were quiet!”

“ _We_?” Bilbo sputtered, rounding on his intended. “Excuse me, but I wasn’t the one howling like a warg for all of the mountain to hear!”

“My voice doesn’t carry that well.” Dwalin rebuked. “Besides, you like it when I’m vocal.”

“Not in a public setting!”

“That was _not_ a public setting. However-.”

“’Not a public setting’?” Balin parroted. “Dwalin, you and Bilbo were _fornicating_ on the throne itself! Not along the sidewalls, or on the ground, on the _throne_!”

“How else was I supposed to get Bilbo to kneel before me?” Dwalin replied, causing Bilbo to sputter again and Thorin to snort. Balin frowned, looking to his king, hoping for some help. But his shoulders were shaking from barely-suppressed laughter, so he wasn’t going to be helping anytime soon. 

“Really, Dwalin?” Balin chastised, and Dwalin had the gall to appear indignant.

“Hey, it wasn’t like I was just having a wank up there!” He argued, pointing towards Bilbo. “He did his part in this as well. Actually, you should be more angry with him.”

“Why me!?” Said hobbit cried.

“You were the one tupping me, after all.” The dwarf replied, and Balin couldn’t believe how casual he sounded about it all. “You could’ve pulled out at any time.”

“And leave you in the lurch? Absolutely not!” Bilbo stated, jutting his chin out a little. “I’m a hobbit, and we pride ourselves in giving our partners equal pleasure and satisfaction. Even moreso, if we can.”

“Yes, I know.” Dwalin purred, and Balin rolled his eyes, shooting them towards Thorin when he let out a peculiar whine.

“Are you quite alright?” He asked, even as Thorin tried to cover the noise up with a cough.

“My apologies.” Thorin managed out. “It’s just… When we walked in, and they asked us to leave… He said… He said…”

With that, Thorin let out a loud snort. “He said he’d be ‘coming’ shortly!”

As he watched his king dissolve into a laughing fit, Balin made a mental note to tell Oin that he should consider decreasing Thorin’s pain killers. For the last time the King laughed so hard, he wasn’t even of age, drunk, and covered in mud and other unsavory substances.

But then Dwalin was laughing, and so was Bilbo. Balin couldn’t help but look back at the entire situation and chuckle. How Bilbo and Dwalin’s courtship was one ridiculous thing after the other, with Dwalin being a surprisingly tactile dwarf and Bilbo being… well, Bilbo. Really, it wasn’t that surprising for him. And while it was something he could’ve lived the rest of his life without seeing, he could also admit that it was rather… humorous.

Still, they were in Erebor, now. Dwalin was older and wiser, so he couldn’t do things like that anymore. And Bilbo, apparently, needed to learn to control himself as well. He had no idea that hobbits found dwarrows like his brother so irresistible in the first place. 

“As funny as it is, you still did an act that would’ve had you beheaded if it were any other time.” Balin cut in, causing everyone to immediately sober up. “You can’t do things like that anymore, brother. We’re back in Erebor, and we’re heroes now! You both need to practice some self-restraint!”

“Or find better hiding places.” Thorin cut in, getting a tired sigh from his advisor.

“Your Majesty…”

“It was bound to have happened at some point, Balin. In fact, I’m sure they aren’t the first couple in the mountain to have a go on the throne.” He cut in, pushing himself up. “But they will be the last.”

“I absolutely agree with you.” Balin stated. “Now, you two are going to clean, no, _sterilize_ that throne until-!”

“Oh, no, they’re keeping it.” Thorin interrupted, brushing it off. “After seeing Dwalin’s bare, hairy arse on that thing? There’s no way I’m touching it. I need a new one carved, anyway. The throne no longer has need for an inset for the Arkenstone, now that it’s buried… Mahal knows where.”

There was a slightly strained silence at his words, but Thorin merely sent them a tired smile. 

“Think of it as an early wedding present.” He continued, causing Bilbo to sit up from his attempts to melt into the couch.

“Oh! We… We couldn’t! I mean-!” He started, but the King merely waved his hand as a dismissal.

“I insist.” Thorin pressed, sending Dwalin a smirk. “And you better not use my new throne, or I will behead you.”

Dwalin merely laughed. “I’d like to see you try.”

**Author's Note:**

> Awkward ending is awkward, but at least Dwalin and Bilbo get a free throne for their trouble. :P


End file.
